Choosing Joy
For the last year of my Mom's life she lived a lot like we do now. She mostly spent her days in her home and at times mine, she would go to her doctor appointments masked and would go with my Dad on errands but rarely went in the store because of the many triggers. And she only saw people she trusted and who would take the necessary precautions to keep her safe. So many people would say to her how hard that life must be and how bored she must be. And yet she was always busy, crafting, quilting, cooking, staying in touch with family and of course trying to heal. While together we would dream of freely living again and being rid of our diseases she was not unhappy. She cherished each day - the time with her family and especially my son- and knew this was just a moment in time that would eventually pass.
As life has come to an almost screeching halt with freezing temperatures keeping us mostly inside, I think a lot about the stillness we find ourselves in on these winter days and how overwhelming they feel right now. Days feel long and more isolated as we hope for more shared time with family and friends.
This slower pace means my mind wanders to things that daily activities used distract me from. And in this quiet it is easier to feel my Mom's absence and how much I miss her. I often think about what she would be reminding me of in these most challenging months. Of the support and assurance she would ground me in and what daily laughter she would bring me. And I think back to her final year of life, how hard some of her days were -the strength and grace she lived with and the endless joy she still could find.
So as long and as cold as the winter days feel, as exhausting as it seems to have no childcare reprieve and as much as we are all missing being with family and friends and living freely, I do know this is just a moment in time. And I know it is no different then other hard moments in time I have lived through. But as my Mom always reminded me, the way we get through these harder days is largely up to us. I remind myself I do actually have some control in this impossible time, I have a choice in how to react and respond to things and that the same lessons she taught me can and will be learned by my son.
At dinner last week, as I sat down bleary eyed after hours of phone calls, and my son was eagerly awaiting time with me after a very chaotic day, I longed for a moment of quiet. Instead, I paused, thought of my Mom and began being silly copying everything he was saying and doing. His eyes lit up as he played along and I knew in that moment nothing else mattered. I hope like me, these will be the moments of the pandemic he will remember when he is grown, that we will laugh about together and that will similarly guide him when he too is faced with challenging days.
One day when I was ten and my brother was five, clearly fed up with our endless whining, my Mom informed us she had changed her name and would only answer to her new name. I am not sure she achieved the reprieve she was hoping for as we spent the next many hours guessing her new name. But she managed to turn a stressful parenting moment into something we still laugh about. Today as my own son said Mom 100 times in a matter of 10 minutes making me want to go crazy, I paused and responded, "I've changed my name" and smiled. In that moment when I could have let my frustration win, instead I let my Mom's playfulness carry me through, even if it means that like my Mom, I will now be called "Tree!"
