Fireflies and All
Our summer days are here and they always bring back feelings of nostalgia from my own childhood. Remembering our after dinner family bike rides and regular evening trips to see Gus at the ice cream store- getting to sample each flavor as I faced my hardest decision of the day on what would fill my cone. Or the excitement of seeing the first fireflies and the magic of catching them each night. And the feeling of being tucked in after a day of swimming in the pool, my face perfectly sun-kissed and wet hair as I sunk into my pillow.
With camp fully underway now our weeks have found their summer rhythm. A needed break after a busy school year we have fallen into our summer life- afternoons filled with shrieks of laughter of kids running and jumping into the pool, evening walks with friends in the neighborhood to wind down our days and visits to our favorite farm for fruit picking embody our summer joy. Now as a parent I treasure these longer and calmer days only hoping our son will, like me, always carry these moments we created together.
I think like most I was hoping this summer would allow us a break from stress about getting COVID but alas here we are -another variant and surging. With new variants on the rise almost continuously many like me, are faced with an unrelenting stress level that feels hard to sustain.
It is easy enough for many to move on, take off masks, and live freely. But I don’t have the luxury to decide to do this -and it still reminds me so much of my early days of diagnosis of my own rare disease when I feared the world outside and leaving my safe bubble. Oddly, now the outside feels safe but going inside anywhere beyond my house feels insanely stressful. And every time I think I have it figured out, new more highly contagious variants arrive and I can feel myself retreating.
But I know that is not the way to live. I have learned this lesson before .
On the morning of Sunday, March 1, 2020 I met my friend at Target- one of our favorite outings together and we had no idea how the world was about to change. We jokingly got paper towels and toilet paper and a few other odds and ends but mostly I remember finding items I didn't even know I needed but that brought me joy. Even before COVID a visit to Target required a mask and gloves as I often reacted to whatever was circulated in the air but it was always worth it, never knowing what I may find!
This week after a particularly stressful few days and after a text to my friend that I was going crazy she said let’s go to Target. I hadn’t been since I met her that Sunday in March 2020. When she asked I froze-the rates are high right now and nothing feels worth the risk and yet I knew this was my chance- I had to do this. Thirty minutes later I was in her car both of us masked windows down and on our way. We were there for maybe 35 minutes in total but it felt so freeing. I had my gloves on and this time I was double masked but I reclaimed something back that had felt stolen. We wandered to our favorites areas and I bought all the things that bring me joy- new note cards and rainbow napkins, gift wrap and a notebook and new craft projects and glow sticks. Because who doesn’t need more glow sticks in their life?
It was a moment of spontaneity of which I rarely have and I forget how freeing that can feel. And even though it felt scary at first and almost a bit reckless I reminded myself that I took steps to make myself safe so I could do something that brought me joy. I know how to do this dance as it is how I have lived for decades and how I have been finding ways to live now as we navigate in this seemingly permanent pandemic life. But it doesn’t mean I still wish we didn’t have to.
So my challenge to myself right now is to focus less on the fear and anxiety I hold given the current wave and instead to focus and stay present in what I do have-the slower pace of summer that allows for more spontaneous fun, the friends who lift me up on hard days, and the joy I find in seeing our son delight in the magic of summer - fireflies and all.
