I Am OK
“You are OK.” I read the text over and over from my best friend from college. It was 1:00 am eastern time and 35 minutes earlier I woke up choking and gasping for air. “I am OK” I said to myself as my body was shaking. I know we all have likely experienced this feeling but I can’t remember a time it happened so violently or for so long. I still don’t know why or how or what caused it, but it was horrible. What seemed like forever was probably a minute before I could sort of breathe again. No clue what was happening I took a benadryl and started pacing as my system calmed down.
The only benefit of having my college bestie living on the west coast is that she is up to text with me in my late night reactions or apparently now choking episodes. We have our routine down for this. I told her what was happening, she asks important questions to make sure I am not needing something more and mostly she reminds me “I am OK.” In the first five minutes after it happened my system went haywire not sure what was happening and my mind similarly flooded with every fear imaginable. “Was this it? Did I fall off my tight rope? Had I used up my allotment of living for the year?” Would I have to cancel the many plans we have recently made?
I have learned in adulthood to have the mentality to “fake it till I make it.” Promotions at work, parenting, adulting in general. There have been so many times in my professional life that an opportunity has presented itself and while I may have absolutely no idea what I am doing I figure it out without letting on. I am also quite certain I was not skilled or prepared to be taking a premie home with multiple chronic conditions either, but that’s motherhood- we dive in and figure it out.
Lately I've been feeling similarly about my approach to living. I don’t know for sure that my body can always do the things I am asking of it, but I am going along just the same pretending it can. I am hoping like all the other moments where I felt somewhat in over my head that if I just forge ahead I will figure out how live in the world again. Faking it till I am making it.
I think largely I am finding my way. I am booking trips and pushing myself to make sure to seize the healthy days believing my body is healed enough to do this. But is it? This recent attack or reaction reminded me yet again of the fragility of losing the ability to live freely, something I am so desperate for. Moments like this make wonder if I can pull it off. But I can’t give up now.
I remind myself that this will always ebb and flow. There will be months and maybe years that I do not have the ability to do as much and that is OK too. But I also can react and I can wake up choking and it can simply be that one moment but not the end of me. I can recover and go back to living even on the days it feels like I am faking it but really I am indeed making it. And as my friend always reminds me, “You are OK.” I know she is right, “I am OK. I am OK.”
