In My Own Time
Invitations to attend any form of party or gathering pre-covid were always a source of immediate concern as I would think out all of the potential issues that could make me react. What were they serving? Would there be a fire or candles burning? Did I know the host well enough to ask for the menu and request that things are removed or changed? Or should I just say no to avoid any issues not wanting to feel like a burden or to ruin their plans. Anytime we said yes, I would still feel anxiety - knowing nothing would be perfect and I was always prepared to leave quickly if needed. In time though, I found that despite my pre-event jitters almost all of the time it was worth the effort to be with friends- to laugh and find joy together. Each time, proving to myself, I could indeed function in the land of the living!
With the holiday season now upon us and a few invitations extended my heart stops in much of the same way it used to -only it is not the mast cells I am worried about but COVID. I suppose it was only fitting that just after celebrating our first successful Thanksgiving in two years a new variant would emerge. And while we all knew that would likely happen it has added further confusion on how to enter into the world again.
I think often right now about when I accepted that my rare diseases were not going to disappear. Realizing that if I waited for a cure to do anything I would indeed be waiting for my entire lifetime. Instead I had to figure out how to live within the world safely with my diseases. That going into the world to travel or attend a party would not forever hurt me or worse even kill me and that I could find ways to do things safely. At times I still said no, knowing that the risk could not be managed in a way I felt comfortable with but many times it could be.
It seems crazy that the entire world is living my pre-covid reality - weighing risk and making hard decisions on how to interact with the outside world. Using my same strategies to determine what precautions to take and what we feel ready to engage in. Many days right now I hear the news and I feel like never leaving my house -and others it feels like the walls are closing in on me. The thought of another winter of isolation feels overwhelming at times but so too does figuring out how to rejoin life indoors. Thanksgiving was an important reminder of how important it is to not fully isolate. That we can take risks safely and even though it seemed a little weird at first it was actually the most normal life has felt in some time.
Thankfully, as of Friday our son is fully vaccinated and with that comes a huge sense of relief to know he finally has some protection. But three days before his 2nd vaccination, I received my most recent antibody test indicating they are no longer detectable. My own armor has faded away. I have grappled with the booster shot for weeks now, consulting with each of my practitioners on which shot to receive knowing each carries their own risks. It feels like I am picking the best of the worst options- because I am. I think this week there was finally consensus and I know soon I will again be faced with the challenge of getting through another vaccine.
But I also know with me boosted and our son fully vaccinated it will mean for the first time we are all protected at the same time. And as my son’s pediatrician reminded us at his vaccine appointment, “we have to find ways to live with this now.” I remember so clearly the early years after our son was born and how sick and reactive I was. I could have full anaphylaxis just from sitting on the couch At the time I never thought I would live normally again - that I would no longer go to parties or travel. But in time I did slowly push myself finding my way to re-enter and prove myself wrong.
I remind myself often that I have already found my way back into the world once and I know I can do it again, in fact I know we all can. But again it will be in my own time, at my own speed, one day at a time.
