Innocent Joy
Since my son was born we have decorated for all occasions and especially Halloween. As a 1-year-old he spent hours pulling down every decoration we hung then cried for us to re-hang it and this would continue for days on end. By 2.5 years old he would run around with streamers everywhere and many times he too ended up a decorated mess. And in the last few years, no matter the occasion, his first question always is when can we decorate? Without fail by late September he's waiting daily for me to announce the day we will decorate for Halloween.
I suppose he comes by it honestly, it was instilled in me during my childhood and something I have always carried with me into adulthood. Party stores have long been my favorite place to spend hours finding just the right decor and theme for whatever occasion was upon us so of course my supplies also run deep. I believe there is something magical about decorations- as the two scarecrows smile at me from across the room I am in- that remind us all of the innocent joy we once felt. A joy we all need so badly right now.
This week was a doozy. Life is not normal - even as we try to make it feel that way - it really is not. I know I want nothing more than for life to feel free again but we are not free yet. This pandemic is very real still, very scary and very much not over. The unknown of what the cold weather months will bring as cases rise weigh heavy on us all.
And now, we find ourselves back in school, back to spending the majority of the hours of the day trying to oversee and manage a first grader's day, homework and activities while both my husband and I are working full time. Add on rare disease management for two and I can't see straight from 8:00am-8:00 pm each day. I guess it makes sense that life feels impossibly hard right now- like we are stuck in mud and our wheels keep spinning with nowhere to go. And yet, how do any of us adjust to this? How is this sustainable for us all? But do we have any other choice?
No surprise the level of arguing also increased last week. The combined stubbornness that makes both my son and I so capable of living with our rare disease daily is also what leads to unending negotiations and tears. By Friday as the week ended I felt like I had failed. I could never give either my son or my job 100 percent and it felt like I never had a moment that wasn't a battle between the two. It was a spiral that I now realized I had zero chance of winning - in the end I just had to plow through it.
By Friday night as I thought about the weekend I knew what I had to do- decorate! I needed to find joy and re-connect with my son in that feeling. So for two hours Saturday, we opened our halloween decor treasure box, found our favorite smiling witches and mummies and pumpkins and my son ran around the house screaming look at how festive it is! His joy was real and pure and palpable and I was reminded that anything else that happens, all the chaos, challenges, and craziness are what make moments like this worth it.
While a new week feels daunting and I am not sure I have come up with a solution to make it easier,I know that somehow it will be because our house feels a little bit more magical, and even just catching a glimpse of a decoration, brings me back to a simpler moment in time, reminding me to take a deep breath and smile.
