It Finally Happened
It finally happened. I could feel it coming soon. I thought it would be the last week in August so my timing was off by two weeks. But when my throat started hurting and I had chills overnight last Sunday I knew the test was going to be positive. And it was. My greatest fear in the last 3.5 years had happened - I tested positive for Covid. It was shocking and not surprising all at the same time as I had spent 3.5 years mentally preparing myself for this moment. I have lost count how many Covid tests I’ve taken in this time straining my eyes each time to see if that positive line was going to appear and hoping so much it wouldn’t. On Monday the positive line appeared almost immediately and so our journey with Covid began.
The days have been as expected so far - no doubt it has been debilitating -the fevers and unrelenting body aches. On the first day I could barely stand let alone walk. Having both me and my husband down for the count at the same time has been challenging and I have never been more grateful that our son is 9 and not a toddler as I am not sure how we would have done this otherwise. Days and nights have run together as they often do when I have a fever and am so sick and even a few days later much of those early days feel like a blur. I do know within hours of testing positive all of our practitioners had been notified and were calling and emailing recommendations to help get us through this moment safely. We had talked since April 2020 about what happens if I get Covid and now here we are- no longer a drill but activating the plan.
It is now nearing the end of day 6 and I am finally I think starting to see an end. My energy is still zapped and I am shaky when I stand too long but I have come a long way in a short time considering the hit this has been to my system. What I was perhaps not anticipating is the ongoing emotional release that seems to be happening since testing positive. I suppose 3.5 years of anxiety and fears are bound to come out once realized. Many times a day I find myself crying - it could be simply because a friend checked in, or one of my doctors unexpectedly reached out to be sure I was doing OK. Other times I am overwhelmed with anxiety about what Covid is going to do both in the short term and to my long term stability I have fought so hard for. Other times I am keenly aware of the present moment - the cuddles my puppy is giving or the laughter I hear in our son and I know how precious each of these moments are and so hopeful Covid doesn’t take it all away from me.
It has been a scary week to finally be confronted with something we tried so hard to make sure I did no get. And there is still so much unknown of what is to come or how this will continue to play out. But as is often the case when a challenge presents itself I am grounded in the love and support of our family, friends and practitioners who have been lifting us up on these very rough days. I am also trying to stay positive and remind myself what my husband reminded me on a particularly hard moment this week - “your body is stronger than you think.” I know he is right. It has been fighting this valiantly and I am trying to give it the rest and space it needs to do get over this first hurdle.
I can’t predict what will happen beyond this moment but if this week has been any indication I take comfort in knowing I have the support and strength to deal with whatever may come next. And I am endlessly grateful for that.
