Looking Within
I remember the day vividly, my son had been in the NICU for only two weeks. I had run home for a break and felt strongly that instead of "resting" as so many encouraged me to do that day, I had to go in to be with him. I knew instantly something was wrong - even though we had only known each other a few days I could still see something was off. His nurse was new to him, though amazing and immediately took my concerns seriously. Ultimately, he needed to switch back to stronger oxygen therapy. I have no doubt this would have happened regardless of my presence but I know because I listened to my gut to go in he got the support he needed sooner and did not become exhausted. I remember my Mom telling me that night that I must always listen to my gut as it will guide me.
Learning to trust my intuition without second guessing things has been something I practice constantly. When my Mom was alive she had an amazing ability to make me feel safe as I made hard decisions for myself or family and then kept me grounded as I forged ahead in executing them.
After she died, learning to trust my intuition without her reassurance or even like minded thoughts that would reinforce what I was already feeling has been extremely challenging. Even though it has been over four years since we last spoke, there are days it seems impossible to figure out how to cross the next hurdle without her. And now adding a pandemic to our already complicated life makes many days feel paralyzing.
It should be no surprise that the just as school begins today, my anxiety runs deep, as I long for assurance that we made the right decision to send our son to hybrid in person school. Every decision we make right now- feels impossible- what is safe to do- what is not? So many times in the last six months I have longed for my Mom’s infinite wisdom. But daily, I draw on the lessons she taught me , the strength and love she gave me as I continue to listen to my gut to steer my course forward.
So after weeks of planning and figuring out how to give our son this opportunity we felt deeply was what was best for him, I carried my Mom with us today. Channeling her courage as we took this next giant leap into the unknown, to leave our safe bubble as we knowingly add risk to our lives. The huge smiles I was greeted with at pick up further reaffirmed our decision, reminding me that once again my intuition was in fact my guide, just as my Mom always said it would be.
