My Leap of Faith
As I sat in my surgeon’s office at the end of October she spoke the words I had waited so long to hear, “given your failure of any hormone therapy I recommend a laparoscopic hysterectomy.” I expected to feel elation and relief knowing how sick I am each month and that this would resolve so many of my problems - my ongoing anemia- days of life missed in pain and recovering. But the weight of what she said felt heavy and I spent the next few days digesting the details of what would be involved, what challenges there may be to recovery. I considered the risks versus benefits, talking with my husband and trying to make sure I was making the best choice for me and our family.
There is no good time to have surgery in truth but ultimately right now I am stable and I have age on my side knowing as I get older this will only be harder. I also for the first time in eight years found a doctor who presented me with a real solution instead of staring at me blankly when I shared that in fact, I did have an anaphylactic reaction to the hormones they said I had to take. My doctor acknowledges that medical interventions are not going to ever help me so I either live like this or take a leap of faith that I will come out healthier on the other side. And it is with that in mind that I booked the surgery for mid-February.
With major surgery comes layers of logistics, thoughtful plans and a team of physicians who will each offer their expertise to ensure my safety. The first week in January I had five pre-surgical consultations and the lists of questions and details are slowly coming together. This week my physicians along with the anesthesia team will meet to review protocols and discuss the plans and I am overwhelmed with gratitude to have a collaborative team of brilliant minds guiding me in this moment.
Even with all of this it still feels stressful and scary as the surgery date nears. My reasons are sound for doing this right now but the vast range of emotions I have building are anything but logical. Not knowing if complications will arise, being in a hospital during a huge COVID surge, hoping I do not get COVID complicating my recovery, it is easy to have my thoughts quickly spiral. But I also know that I can do this or I would not have booked the surgery.
Also unsurprising, I have thought often about my Mom. I remember when she had her hysterectomy and I went home for two weeks to help with her recovery. I have longed for her wisdom and calm in these moments and try to draw on the lessons she left me as I face this next challenge. And while I would love nothing more than for her to be physically with me, I am so grateful for the amazing support system of family and friends who I know will help lift me up through my recovery.
With three weeks until my surgery I am working on distracting myself from my thoughts and focusing on getting organized, making lists, cooking and freezing food for me and my son and finding joy in making goody bags for the hospital staff. I am trying to stay positive and optimistic that this surgery will allow me to reach another level of healing assuring that more of my days can be spent with my family and friends instead of at home feeling sick. I will carry this hope with me as I take this next leap and remind myself I am strong, I am resilient, I am a rare disease warrior, and I can do this.
“The most surprising thing is how easy it is to have Superpowers when you stop wasting all that energy pretending you don’t.” ~Brian Andreas
