My Protective Shield
I recently was thinking about the summer I had a potential exposure to a rabid bat at a summer camp I was working at. It got away and there was no way to have it tested or know if it had come in contact with me in my sleep. As a counselor it was left up to me to decide if I wanted the rabies vaccine. At the time, my mast cells had not lost control so I wasn’t worried about a reaction but it was still scary to think about injecting a series of 3 rabies shots into me that also required extra immunoglobulin shots to boost my immune system to be able to fight the vaccines. I remember crying on the phone to my Mom not sure what to do - but she said it best- "well if you did by some small chance contract rabies you would die." I guess that made it pretty clear- a chance of dying or dealing with a few vaccines.
Maybe remembering this story was what gave me the final boost last weekend to rather impulsively book a vaccine for this past Thursday morning. The stakes felt similar- catch COVID-19 and hope it does not kill me or add more chronic problems to my life, or figure out how to get a vaccine that will at least keep me alive if I do get covid-19.
I spent the next three days speaking to my care team and mapping out my protocols that would hopefully prevent a major reaction. My underlying anxiety was so high- if not distracted by work I could not shake the nervous pit in my stomach. I would play out every scenario -the good and the bad with a plan for each. I spoke to others in my mast cell community who had similarly recently gotten their vaccine. Each of them also weighing the risks and realizing COVID-19 would be much worse. I drew strength from their stories as each reminded me that I would get through this.
My pre-medication protocol included two different injections. One I gave to myself before leaving my house and the other my mother in law gave me in her car pulled over on a street in Manhattan before we parked. As we together walked the block to the entrance I stopped suddenly, the panic of not knowing what the next hour would hold paralyzed me. I took a deep breath, reminded myself I could do this and continued to walk. It all happened quickly upon entry. I did request that the medics be with me while I got the vaccine which helped ease my fears. The first ten minutes my body did react. It realized something new had entered and I could feel my mast cells getting ready to fight, but the pre-medication stopped them. I also practiced the breathing I use during every other trial or reaction that gives my body time to regroup. After fifteen minutes I had stabilized and we were moved to a different holding area where we sat for an hour before going home to recover.
As expected, the last few days have not been my best. My mast cells are angry and it may take a number of days or weeks for this flare to fully calm down. But I would do it all over again. The vaccine provides me safety while science is trying to catch up.
Four days later I still am in disbelief that I have been vaccinated. That I actually took the leap to do this - knowing the risk but also knowing more that it was the right thing to do not just for myself but for my son and husband. A few times, I have had tears in my eyes, overcome with immense gratitude that I now have my protective shield that in a million years I never thought I would have. And more that for the first time in a year my worst case scenario no longer has to be death.
