Season of Healing
I remember when my doctor said to me that she needed to see me in person once a year and my heart skipped a beat. We started working together during COVID when tele-health allowed us to connect virtually despite her being located in Chicago. My instant reaction to any travel is always negative after years of reactions and now there was a pandemic to contend with. I know if she told me this a year ago, it would have not even been a possibility given the lack of stability in my body. Thankfully this year I knew I could take a deep breath and figure out how to get to Chicago.
As it happened I was able to coordinate my doctor appointment with one of my best friend’s meetings also in Chicago and suddenly an adventure was born. I initially did not appreciate that my required in person appointment was actually forcing me to take a break from the Fall chaos and life at home, something that I have not done in years unless I was checking myself into a hospital for a surgery. The uninterrupted time with my friend, the freedom to explore and walk around one of my favorite cities and space to just focus on me for 48 hours was healing in ways I never expected.
The weeks leading up to my trip have been filled with a series of doctor appointments forcing me to take stock of where I am in my healing process. In so many areas I have seen improvements and it finally feels like I have recovered fully from my surgery last winter. Yes the last seven months have been my usual roller coaster of my ups and downs but I know I have more energy and maybe even a small amount of reserve which hasn’t been the case for years. I can say for certain the surgery was the right decision.
That said, I am entering a new stage of my healing and this next phase feels hardest of all. It may seem odd that getting myself to walk into an OR for major surgery feels easier to me than food and medication trials but it is true. I have years of trauma associated with trying food and vitamins and failing them. Getting myself to actually place a bite of food in my mouth that may cause a huge reaction feels like torture and it triggers so many emotions in me. Instead, I like to pretend all is well so I don’t have to face this fear -hoping that my current diet would be sufficient for the rest of my life- except I know it is not. And no matter how many times I wish it would be it isn’t so I have to force myself to improve it.
As I openly shared my fears with my doctor it did however occur to me that I am not the same body I was a year or two years ago when I had so many failed trials. I have done so many other things to heal and stabilize myself that I hope this means I will have some success. If I am being honest, it is hard for me to believe it will be possible but I also know I have to keep trying and learn to trust the new version of my body
I will muster the courage to begin soon but for now, I am taking a moment to acknowledge that I did in fact manage to take a trip away for two days, to prioritize myself first and enter the land of the living. This is a victory that I hope I can build off of as I face a new season of healing and the ups and downs that I know will come with it. And even though it feels impossible and scary to face what awaits me, I must believe I can. As I shared these fears with my friend on my trip she reminded me, "you do hard things. you can do this." I know she is right- I do hard things- I can do this!
