Waiting to Leap
I have recently been thinking about my life in New York City in the early years after college graduation. My health had not yet declined- though I could no longer eat in restaurants I could live freely. After work each evening I would find my next adventure, a new venue, live concert, theater, even new restaurants, and my favorite, dart games. I remember so clearly riding the bus in the wee hours of the morning back up first avenue to my perfectly sized studio apartment. I came and went as I pleased, always in motion and looking for new hidden treasures in the city I called home. Even as health problems arose none of them stopped me from living and thriving off the energy all around me.
It was in my pregnancy that my world came crashing down and my body lost control. That was when my world closed in on me. When the city I had fallen in love with felt more like a minefield that I would have to run through hoping I wouldn't encounter the next thing to trigger a reaction. The street food, smoke, cabs filled with heavy cologne, the exhaust from buses and crowds of people all coming at me anytime I left my apartment. When it no longer felt safe to walk outside my apartment my husband and I knew it was time to move out of the city.
To the outside world, our move seemed like our next exciting life step - we had a new baby and that was when people started to make their exodus to bigger spaces and back yards. And there is no doubt that our world was forever changing and naturally slowing down now having an infant. In those early days it was easy to not feel the loss of my old life because of my illness but instead feel the excitement of having a baby. But time passed on and while my son grew up my illness never left me and I was left in my bubble.
It took me six years to slowly find ways to safely enter the world the way "normal" people do. As I shared in my blog post "Among The Living" when my son turned six I took the leap of faith to try traveling and I found the healing power in doing so. Accepting that a cure may never happen I realized I could no longer wait to freely live again and that I could not let my anxiety ground me forever.
It was with newfound confidence that we booked a trip to California for April 2020 to visit my brother and sister-in-law. It was a trip we had only dreamed of but on a whim I decided I had to live in the moment. It felt terrifying and exciting all at the same time but I knew it would be worth it.
Of course the pandemic had other plans and ironically just as I was FINALLY finding a way to live again our entire world shut down and I was pushed back inside. I am realizing now that the stress and anxiety of the last year has brought back many of my fears I felt early in my diagnosis. I once again feel paralyzed -that the outside world is dangerous and I feel overwhelmed at the thought of my re-entry.
As people plan spring break trips I am still deciding if I have the courage to enter a small grocery store near me. My friends are excitedly registering their kids for camp as I sit confused and unsure of what feels right. I know it will not be long before invitations to weddings and birthday parties arrive and I can already sense my dread of how to decide what to do. Life in my bubble feels safe and easy but I know it is not living fully.
I suppose it makes sense that my mind often shifts to the time in my life when I felt so free and spontaneous. A time when life felt simpler and carefree. But I remind myself that I re-found my sense of freedom before and even though it may feel stressful and scary, I will find a way to again leap into the living. And that while this last year is indeed, a setback, it does not have to define my future.
