Yes! Yes! Yes!
The leaves outside are starting to change colors already as Fall starts to creep into our final days of summer. This year summer felt sweeter, a welcome break from the many activities, homework and chaos that the school year now carries with it. I remember being my son's age quite vividly and like him, how much I loved the carefree summer days filled with camp and new adventures, lots of swimming and playing outside till dark and begging my Mom to let play dates turn into sleepovers. When she would say yes it felt like a huge victory, knowing we'd get to stay up late and whisper and laugh over nothing and everything. This was the type of summer I was hoping for, a simpler feeling summer and I think we achieved it.
I love that I said yes so many times this summer to sleepovers, late bedtimes and endless pool time. We kept our days just a little bit busy but with enough space for spontaneous fun. I also said yes to more plans for myself, to see friends or movies, to sit outside till late with kids playing around us. I tried to always be mindful of slowing our pace so we had time to refill our cup.
Despite our more relaxed approach of living I have struggled with my health throughout. After my downward spiral from an adrenal crisis in early July I have had many highs and many lows and more reactions in a row than I have had in years. It seems our new reality of intense humidity and heatwaves and severe thunderstorms leave me largely feeling unwell much of the summer. I of course have medicated and pushed through and not let this stop me from living, but it is hard to ignore the little voices in my head wondering why.
I have long accepted that I can't explain my reactions. I react because I have a mast cell disease. The trigger and the cause are largely unimportant at this point but it still scares me when I feel like my baseline is moving backwards. At the same time, I have pushed myself to do more, going out more near my triggers, traveling and flying more than I have in decades. Has this been the cause of the backslide? Or is it even a true back slide? Should I stop making plans or booking trips or say no to more things that push me farther out of my comfort zone? Or do I seize the moment knowing how quickly this can all be taken away?
When I think back to a decade ago, taking a trip or flying on an airplane was inconceivable. Then my daily fight for my health was just to get through each day within regular life. I suppose the fact that my current decisions are what to say yes to is proof of how far I have come. For so many years it was not a question if I could do something or wanted to it was simply a no. Even having a choice now is an amazing feat which I try to remind myself on the days I feel like I have lost control.
I also need to remember that I can trust myself to know what my limits are and that I can set them. This summer I did have to cancel my trip to attend the Mast Cell Disease Society conference which gutted me. I was still recovering from my adrenal crisis and I knew no amount of medication would safely get me through that weekend. Admitting that however was both hard to swallow but also gave me pause to say yes to other future plans. Had I overdone it? Is that why I was forced to say no? Should I not book my next California trip? I know that pacing myself is key, and that I do best on shorter trips. It is one thing to know this though and another to commit to following what these limits need to be so I can keep saying yes. This is true both for local plans and larger trips. Finding balance is my forever goal.
In a few weeks I have an opportunity to go solo to California and spend time with my brother and his family and the me from a few years ago would have said no. It feels a little risky, a lot out of my logical minded comfort zone, and unknown if this will be hard for my physically. I waited weeks to buy this ticket going back and forth and up and down but ultimately took a deep breath and said yes. I do not know what the future will hold and if I will be able to continue to say yes, so right now, while I can, I am. I can’t miss this moment.
As Fall arrives I see our schedule filling up and I am challenging myself to continue to channel our summer ways, to make space for spontaneous fun and for the simpler joys of childhood to be found all year, not just the summer. I am also challenging myself to keep making plans until my body says no- this is after all what I have worked a decade to achieve. I of course will say no when I need to but I will also keep pushing myself to say “yes” even when it feels scary. Yes, I can do this! Yes, even if I react it doesn’t mean I have to always say no. Yes, this is indeed what I have been fighting for. Yes! Yes! Yes!
