Falling Backwards
It has taken me a while to write a blog post again as I have struggled to admit out loud that my most recent bout of COVID has unfortunately set me backwards. For the immediate future it will not be possible to get back to my pre-covid baseline and this as you can imagine has been extremely hard to both admit and accept. I have spent the last eight weeks going through another round of grieving for what has been lost. I have felt immense sadness for losing some of the freedoms I had finally found. I am angry about my lack of control over my body and for not being able to make plans and leave my safe bubble. I have felt isolated and lonely as I watch the world move along and I am stuck behind again. I have cried and cried and cried some more.
During this Fall I said “no” to more things than “yes.” The things I said “yes” to I reacted from all of them. Thankfully the reactions were varying degrees but a few were severe and even required me to inject medications. Over the last few years I have mastered the art of taking pre-medication before a trip or big outing to ensure I could safely get through them. This has given me enough of a buffer to safely enter the world but unfortunately that no longer is always enough.
In a recent appointment with my long time physician she said, “If pre-medication is no longer working, avoidance is all you have left until you are able to calm your system.” I will admit that when I hung up with her I felt pretty defeated and like she had basically said, “if you want to heal you have to lift an elephant over your head.” But in time I am slowly making sense of everything we discussed and mapping out my next step forward. I will share when I can articulate it all and know my plan. But this next phase of healing with be longer. It will require adding some new practitioners to my squad and doing the work I need to get better. My hope is a version of myself even better than my pre-covid “normal.” I am equal parts grateful for a plan and angry I need one. After 11 years of actively healing, I was truthfully ready for a break, ready to just live. But I also know if I want to be able to live more freely and safely it is not an option to do nothing.
And yet I will say even through the emotional and physical roller coaster I have been riding, and the days I felt so alone, I am acutely aware of the support system that I have including: an extremely supportive husband, our son and pups who keep the magic and laughter flowing through our days, our families and friends who stand by us always- who don’t serve foods I react to, who call me to check in or come visit me after a hard day, who face time me to make me smile, who give me rides to events and rush over when I am reacting. But even still it is hard to sometimes ask for help, to admit I need to. On a particularly hard morning and feeling so upset I sat with my head down crying not sure what to do or who to call beyond my husband who was already talking to me. I forced myself to text a few people and share what was happening. I didn’t even know what I was asking for but their responses and understanding and care was enough to remind me I was not alone.
And this is what we all need to feel, no matter what our current battle is or challenge that awaits. It looks different for us all, but finding support and feeling loved, feeling seen and heard, and not invisible is profoundly healing in its own way. It is truly what gets me through my days right now. While I know that these coming months will continue to challenge me I have a little more hope for getting through them successfully knowing I have so many by my side.
I am a fake it till you make it kind of person. I push my body to the limit and I am used to being able to push through. Right now I am not in the driver’s seat of what to expect in my day and I am slowly begrudgingly making a little peace with that. But I am also not giving up on healing and even though the task at hand feels somewhat insurmountable, I will take it one step at a time. And just like always there will be good days and bad, reactions and successes. The roller coaster ride has begun and I have taken a deep breath, just as I always do, and will ride the highs and the lows and dream about my healthier tomorrows. I will challenge myself to continue to find the joy and the magic around me even on my hardest days and to remember above all else what a blessing it is that I will never have to be in this fight alone.
