Simple Joy
Growing up we would always decorate for holidays. Halloween was always the biggest event and I would look forward to it each year taking out our favorite scary creatures and spider webs as if they were old friends we had missed all year. After our son was born so too began the decorating for holidays throughout the year. Even as a baby the sights of the decorations would enthrall him and quickly as he grew he became extremely excited anytime it was time to get our decorations up. From Halloween to Hanukkah, Valentine's Day and May Day and every birthday in between we decorate. Multiple plastic bins fill our shelves each holding our acquired decor for each holiday. We always buy a few new things each year to build our collection but like in my childhood we are always happy to be reunited with our various creatures and favorite lights.
As a toddler our son would literally squeal with delight when it was decorating day, running around putting the decorations on windows, helping tape everything at his level of course and turning every light on that we hung. It is simple joy at its very core to surround yourself with these imaginary whimsical friends. He would spend hours once the house was decorated playing with the decorations and studying the windows.
At the age of 11 there are sadly no more squeals over this but I still see the excitement that comes when I ask if he'd like to decorate and without hesitation is running over to see what he's got to work with and plan out where everything he's in charge of will go. There is something comforting for us both in the routine we've created each knowing what we have to do and after a flurry of activity our space is just a little bit happier.
The last 6 weeks have been unexpectedly challenging on every level. I know this is actually true for the world as the hits keep coming but personally I have been very sick since basically Christmas. First I had a two week cold while traveling (NOT GOOD) and then days after finally recovering from that I tested positive for flu A which took me out for a solid 3 weeks. While the acute symptoms are now thankfully gone my body is left in shambles and I am now working towards any semblance of normal I can find. But this is a marathon not a sprint and will not happen overnight. It will continue to be weeks of healing and supporting my body to slowly recover from 6 weeks of stress and viruses to my already challenged system. I have an amazing support system and practitioners to work with but days are long and confusing and symptoms come and go constantly. I have no reserve of any kind right now so when I max out I am forced to stop and rest. I push myself beyond my limits just by doing simple things around the house and have to rebuild my endurance. Outings of any kind are exhausting but I am slowly finding my way. I am taking one day at a time, and some days one hour at a time and trusting that my body will continue to amaze me as it powers through. And it is. I am progressing a little each day just at a pace far slower than I am used to.
It has felt dark though and cold cause it's winter and at times scary to think about what the future holds. I am hoping I can resume normalcy and living outside of my house soon but that we know is never a guarantee. But can I keep making plans? What trips do I want to take? How do I know what I can handle anymore? The answer to all is I do not know. I can only know what is today and right now and stay present and focused. I know that today I did more than the day before and that I had a few good hours of feeling well. I focus on those moments. As long as they continue to increase each day I can trust my body is in fact doing what it needs to do. I am also starting to plan things for Spring and Summer and I know that indicates that somewhere in my subconscious I believe i can do the things I am planning for. “Slow and steady” is my mantra. It's written on my taper schedule that sits next to me all day with "I can do this!" written next to it.
It was however, with great relief that February arrived this past week as I was so ready for a fresh month. I also knew it was time to decorate but my first thought was, “that feels exhausting, we can just skip Valentine's day this year.” But then I realized there was probably never a time I needed to be more surrounded by simple joys then now so I announced to our son on Monday we'd be decorating after school. He arrived home and said, "Are you ready to decorate?" and I smiled that he had remembered. I found the plastic bin and the sticky window clings I had already ordered in anticipation of this and we began our ritual together. By dinner the house was happier and the windows covered and brightly colored felt hearts were strung across the door ways. It's been harder than ever to find lightness in the last month but in that moment we had brought light and magic to our lives and found shared joy together - what a very needed gift it was.
So while I do not know what the future holds, none of us really do, I do know that right now I am here and I am healing and I am grateful for every single step forward no matter how small. And even though some days will feel darker than others joy and light and a little magic can indeed still be found or created by us and that is perhaps the most healing thing of all. Slow and steady. I can do this!
