In Gratitude
I have kept a journal from the age of 13 - I suppose in many ways this blog has become that for me now. Thanks to my deep love of Oprah the queen of gratitude- I began practicing my own gratitude early on always ending each journal entry with things I was grateful for- grounding myself in that moment.
Beginning on the day of my high school graduation through my sophomore year of college my Mom and I shared a journal. Our idea was that it was a way for us to stay connected during that very delicate transition of life when I left home and we no longer ended our days with "me safely tucked into my bed at home" as my Mom once wrote. And so we wrote-through the ups and down of this new big transition time - and finding our new ways to stay in touch - connected and supportive of each other. And again, at the end of each of our entries we ended with our gratitude.
I had for years since my Mom died been looking for this journal, knowing that even though sometimes there was huge gaps of time in between- it was still filled with our love, tears, and care for each other. Today, I saw my Dad for the first time since we began quarantine in March and he brought boxes of my things from when I was a child. Sitting on top of the first box I opened with our shared journal and after reading it again today, I saw just how much gratitude carried us through those times.
Gratitude is powerful - reminding us of the good in our life- that even when things end or hurt or people die you can still have everything to be grateful for. Soon after my Mom died my very dear friend shared her mantra with me after also going through a recent loss- she told me to always stay “in gratitude." At the time this was only a few weeks after my Mom passed and as I practiced I tried to remind myself that so many will never experience such a deep relationship with their Mom and the fact that I did for 33 years - was a gift to be truly thankful for. It doesn’t change of course that she is gone but it does even in its own way -ease my sadness.
I have stayed "in gratitude" over and over again in the past many years- through my ups and downs with my and my son's rare disease battle- knowing that even in our hardest moments - we had so much to be grateful for- for our support system- for having a care team- for even having three foods to eat. Gratitude grounds me - it is what gives me the hope to get up each day and face the challenges that await - of my disease- of motherhood. And it is something that is helping carry me through this time.
Frequently my family and I end our days at dinner with saying what we are thankful for. Any crankiness melts away and we are all again re-centered in the present. As new surges of COVID-19 get reported today - it is a reminder to us all - this is not over. I know the coming weeks and months will continue to be a rollercoaster of good and bad days - the permanence of what is lost is settling in but I also know - if we all stay "in gratitude" we can remember what is still good and real in our life and that is the most important thing of all.
It seems only fitting to end this post with my gratitude. Today I am thankful for our long awaited family visit, for the joy my son had when he looked through my childhood treasures with me, for the slower pace of the weekend with my son and husband, and for the words I found and read today- from what feels like many lifetimes ago between me and my Mom that allowed me to feel her deep love, wisdom, support and most of all our shared gratitude for each other.
