Success At Last
Somehow we blinked and Spring arrived. The last few weeks of March felt like a blur as I fully came out of my crash after my medication mishap and suddenly it is already the end of April. If I am being honest I am continuing to feel the effects of the challenges my body has faced the last 6 months and the need to increase steroids so regularly. I find myself more uncomfortable in my own body as I impatiently hope the extra weight I have gained will fall away as my steroids are now at my normal dose. My love hate relationship with steroids is constant - I am alive because of them and yet they wreak such havoc on my body. It never feels easier and I am not sure it ever will.
I have remained motivated though to push myself to keep moving on healing and that means finally facing my fears and adding food. I know it is critical to my moving forward as my current few foods are not sufficient to only eat for the rest of my life. I have tried to do this a handful of times in the last few years but each time I stopped. I couldn't push through my fears and past trauma even knowing how critical it was for me. Even taking the tiniest bite felt insurmountable. I would set goals in my head "By Thursday at 8pm I have to take a bite" but then something would happen and I would decide it wasn't a safe time to take that risk of a reaction. Though is there ever really a perfect day to react?
Something about our trip to California however propelled me forward. It reminded me how badly I want more moments of living in the world and being able to experience new adventures and make memories with my family. I know my Mom’s rapid and sudden decline is also always a motivator and I am sure it is no coincidence that as Spring arrived and I faced the months I watched her lose control, that I had a new feeling of urgency to push myself. And so with this combined motivation, last month I did it. I took my first bite of a new food in years- a bite of lettuce. I did so calmly and positively knowing that I had run out of excuses and reasons why it was not the right day. I only had reasons why it had to happen and it felt like on that day nothing could stop me. So I took one small bite. And nothing happened. My body noticed but not in a negative way - my lips didn't burn, my throat wasn't closing, my stomach was not hurting. And so the next day I took two bites and continued a little more each day until a week had passed and I officially celebrated my victory! I had added a new food!
Choosing lettuce to start was intentional and at the recommendation of my nutritionist who knew that I was already eating another food from the same family. Her goal was for me to gain confidence and have an easy first win, and it did just that. It actually made me excited to keep going. For so long I had no hope that I would add food. I did not think it was going to be possible after so many failed attempts. But this time everything felt right and I am determined to continue. I am happy to say I have since also added a second food - an entirely new food family so I hope many more additions will follow. I still do not enjoy this process but the risk in not doing it is far scarier for what that will mean for my long term future. So I will keep pushing myself.
As is always the case the process seems painfully slow and tedious, as does the recovery from my increased steroids, so I am trying to be patient, take things a step at a time, stay positive and hopeful. It feels good to finally be taking action with something that has hung over my head for so long and even though I know there will be fails along the way the fact that I am trying is the real victory in this. And in some small way adding foods or even trying to feels like I have some control in preventing a downward spiral. So for now I am grateful for every new food added and for the feelings of hope that each new food brings for a healthier future….one bite at a time.
