Sweet Victory
We were twenty minutes from landing in Los Angeles when tears began to well up in my eyes as the reality of what I had just done hit me. I had flown almost six hours across the country, a feat I was sure I would never do again in this lifetime. I so vividly remember talking to my Mom in the months of grieving our new post-diagnosis reality never thinking I would be able to fly again let alone fly across the country. In that moment on the plane my tears were bittersweet, a rush of emotions of both gratitude and grief so grateful for what I was about to experience and also sadness that my Mom never had the opportunity to feel this kind of victory. I knew she was cheering and with me in whatever way she can now be but her absence was also palpable.
Throughout this trip I felt her presence with us perhaps more than usual. So much of what we did we said, “Mimi loved this”, “This was Mimi’s favorite,” and each time our son would look at me with the smile he always has when we talk of Mimi. He is so happy that his new favorite ride at Disneyland was also hers and he loved reminding us of her other loves along the way. We sang and danced and played a lot and laughed hard just like she would have done with us and one day she even brought us many rainbows which caused gleeful shrieking from our son and more tears from me.
I realize now as I look back at the trip that this was more than just a vacation for me. It was one of those defining milestones in my own recovery. It is a testament to how far I have come and brings me hope for more adventures. And yet, perhaps in fact because my Mom’s absence was so present it reminds me that there are no guarantees for brighter tomorrows. It is a weird thing to feel so strongly a sense of victory and also a deep vulnerability to my body and diseases inciting fear for losing what I have gained or worse dying. I am sure it is unavoidable to have these competing thoughts and I am working on accepting that I can feel both of these ways because both are in fact my truths. This was a huge feat and step forward but I still am me with my highly sensitive body and I will always have to pace myself and find that balance of how much I can push myself and when I need to be more grounded.
My post-trip landing back into reality has not been as smooth as I would have hoped. I normally am quite adept at adjusting and changing meds to travel, increasing to prevent issues but also knowing how to taper back down. This time I calculated wrong and sent myself into a hole without even realizing it. It has taken me over two weeks to finally turn a corner but I think I have turned it. There is no question that this trip pushed me physically and I have been reminded that I need to build in more recovery time next time. But that is the real victory I think - that I am already planning my “next time.”
So while you may find me grounded for now as I give my body time to get back to my version of normal I am so grateful I took this leap to push myself even when it was hard as the joy and and play we filled our days with are moments that we will all cherish forever. And while I can’t pretend to know what the future will hold or how my own health will fare I already find myself scheming our next great adventure knowing that I will not stop seizing these moments if I can figure out a way to make them happen. I smile knowing how happy this must make my Mom -as many of these are the shared dreams we would so often talk of doing together one day when we were healthy again. And while I will forever wish she was still with me in person to delight in these adventures with us, I will continue to carry her with me and channel the strength and resiliency she taught me to face each day with- the easy and the harder ones and especially the magical ones.
