The Moments We Live For
It is crazy to think that a year ago this week I had my big surgery. In anticipation of my recovery I spent hours cooking and baking huge batches of our safe food for me and my son to ensure we had 3 full weeks of food prepared. Going into the surgery it was my hope it would allow me take great strides forward in my healing and I can now a year later say with certainty that this was one of my best decisions I have made to date. I have been able to heal in a more meaningful way having dealt with actually solving a problem versus treating symptoms. While I am far from healed and I have had many challenges the last few months that have required lots of medication increases and steroid use that have negatively impacted me, I still think I am more stable than my pre-surgery self.
I often hesitate to admit when I make steps forward as I do not want to jinx anything. I am always mindful that a slide backwards is only a step away. But I know I must acknowledge my progress and take advantage of even a tiny bit of new found stability so I do not miss the moments when I do feel improved enough to do more and live more fully. Otherwise, why am I working on healing?
So much of my time is spent on my health, recovery, medications and food logistics and also many days of feeling unwell despite my best efforts. It is why I try so hard to prioritize fun and joyful time to balance out all the harder time. For so many years I was paralyzed and afraid to push myself out of my comfort zone to go on vacations or even make plans that could put me in harms way. As I have shared before, I have gotten braver, learning along the way what precautions I need to take and plan for in advance and what I can do to stay safe enough to travel and find new adventures.
This week instead of cooking food and preparing for my surgery I am now in full prep mode for a trip to California to visit my brother and sister in law and some of our dearest friends. The trip feels unknown and the long plane rides feel daunting. Will my body be able to handle this trip? I would like to think that I would not have booked the trip if I did not think I could handle this since for so many years we did not try to go but it doesn’t make it any less scary.
Is it weird that getting myself to walk into an OR for major surgery in many ways felt arguably less scary then how I feel about boarding a 6 hour plane ride to unknown environments? I never hesitate in taking the medical risks I need to but it is still a work in progress to similarly not hesitate on taking a risk to go on a new adventure. But I know these are the moments I am fighting so hard for. These are the moments that make me feel hopeful on my hard days. These are even the moments that will continue to help me in my healing.
So while there may be a lot of unknowns and I know the plane rides will be long and hard for me requiring lots of medications I am reminding myself to feel grateful to have my anticipatory anxiety right now for something fun and not another overnight hospital stay. I will stay in gratitude as I am once again spending my week cooking and packaging our food, making lists and organizing medications knowing that because of my surgery last year it means this year I feel well enough to take this much needed vacation. There may be harder moments on the trip but I hope just like last year’s February activity I will look back and know this trip was also a success and healing in all the ways I know it can be.
So as my nerves creep up I will continue to focus on the joy that awaits, the endless laughter, sunshine and beach air, for the time with friends we have not seen in years, for the excitement I know I will see in our son and for the magic I know we will find together.
